Did you ever have a moment where you went into something not expecting much, but in the end, turned out to be exactly what you needed? Well thanks to an unlikely person, I’ve recently experienced one such moment.
Last Friday Night, I attended the Katy Perry Witness Tour at Madison Square Garden. I’m gonna be honest, I like some of her music, but have never considered myself to be a super fan. In fact, I only bought the tickets because The Manfriend had always said that Katy’s song Double Rainbow made him think of me, and in turn, became “our song.”
So when I heard months ago that Katy was going to be in New York, I jumped at the opportunity to get tickets. Unfortunately, what began as an event I looked forward to, soon became something I dreaded.
Cue the spotlight and dramatic music...
What I’m about to say may come as a surprise for some, but really is not news to my inner circle of friends. It's time to come clean that The Manfriend is no longer in my life. Truth be told, he and I have not seen each other since mid-January, and the last time he showed any kind of affection towards me was a kiss before last Thanksgiving. Over the last year, he has been battling some major demons in his life, and his attitude towards me has become best described as Hot N Cold. I tried my best to be there for him, as one does when you love somebody, but for reasons unbeknownst to me, he would prefer I be The One That Got Away.
I would like to say I’ve been completely devastated over all this, but that would be a lie. Don’t get me wrong; I’m upset with the way the relationship went down because I was in it for the long haul, Unconditionally. I also had those moments of feeling like a failure that come with the end of a relationship. But the sad reality is you can’t miss somebody who doesn’t want to be there, and I’m not going to start begging anyone to stay in my life, regardless of my feelings for them, when they make it abundantly clear by their actions that they don’t want to be.
Nobody can ever really understand the dynamics to another couple's relationship, and for me to try and explain everything would be extremely difficult. Just know that nothing major happened to end things. It's not like he or I Kissed A Girl, or anything along those lines. There were, and still are, outside factors at play. But despite it all, my feelings for him remain, as I believe his feelings for me will never disappear. This just isn't our time, and my door will forever be open to him. But I digress...
Needless to say, as the concert got closer, the idea of seeing Katy Perry and having her possibly sing “our song” did not leave me Walking On Air. In fact, when I asked one of my oldest and dearest college friends to join me, I may have threatened to throw myself over the railing of our section if I heard it. Regardless, we went and saw the show. I’m happy to report that Katy DID NOT sing “our song,” and in the end, it was such an amazing show. I was so glad I went, and not just because Katy inspired my new look. She also inspired me.
While sitting there and feeling sorry for myself for, literally, a hot second, Katy started to sing the song Part Of Me, and I actually paid attention to the lyrics. It was in that moment that I realized that a lot of her songs promote self-love, awareness and empowerment, which are very on brand with the overall message I believe in for myself, and try to instill in others. I just needed that little reminder. It was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment, and it gave me that extra nudge to close a chapter of my life and finally do something that people have been pushing me to do for quite a while now: get back into the dating game.
To be completely honest, as much as I am perfectly content being in my own company, I do want to have a partner in life. However, if it were up to me, I would just sit back, let things happen organically, and if I should meet someone or find myself one day Waking Up In Vegas, then great. But unfortunately, life doesn’t always work that way, and sometimes we have to just get off our asses and make a move. And in this situation, that meant I had to put myself back out there.
I’m not gonna lie; the idea of dating again has given me such a feeling of dread. There’s always that fear of rejection, or of never finding anyone, that we all, as humans, have. And although I don’t look my age, the reality is that I’m now older than I was the last time I did this. Normally, that wouldn’t be a big deal, but in the Gay world, where being over the age of thirty is considered over the hill, it can be quite daunting. Here I am, hoping to be someone’s Teenage Dream in a world that believes I should be put out to pasture… at forty-three. Quite scary, don’t you think?
In addition to that, I’m once again dealing with men who are still solely interested in how a person looks, what position they are in bed, or how many packs their abs have. They are mainly interested in seeing your Peacock, for lack of a better term. And don’t even get me started on the whole “masculine” thing (if you are a guy who sleeps with other guys, the jig is up… get over it). It can get very superficial at times, which I have little patience for. There are also those men who need their egos stroked, and be constantly complimented, or else they turn vicious. Or even the ones who like to use sarcasm and be bitchy, but don’t like when it’s done back to them. Unfortunately, dealing with some of the Gay men my age reminds me of those high school girls we all knew and hated.
So, with all that I just described, I’m sure you’re wondering why I choose to remain Chained To The Rhythm, and subject myself to this nonsense again? After all, I just said that I’m perfectly content being on my own. Well that my friends is easy. Despite all the crap I have endured in past relationships, or how others may act on these sites, I will always be that Dark Horse who believes in true love, in love at first sight, and in happily ever after. I won’t give up on love because I know that my guy is out there somewhere, and for that, I’m willing to put in the time, energy and work to find him. It won’t always be easy, and there will be a few duds along the way, but at the end of the day, I’m so worth it.
After all, I’m a Firework, baby… and now is my time to Roar!!!