If I Could Turn Back Time

Hi Everyone,

It’s been such a long time since I have put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard in this case). But I figured there’s no better reason than being stuck at home during a pandemic to start up again. Wouldn’t you agree?

So, what has everyone been up to? I myself have been keeping busy working from home, taking the boys for walks and watching A LOT of television. Many of my favorite shows, like Schitt’s Creek, Empire and Will & Grace have ended, while stations like Bravo have been playing all day marathons of some of my favorite shows. And of course, there’s Friday nights on the couch with the hubby watching Rupaul’s Drag Race.

Anybody here watch Rupaul's Drag Race?

It’s ok if you don't. I promise not to hold it against you. I was a fan once upon a time, but for reasons I just don't care enough to get into at this time, I fell out big. But that's neither here nor there.

I bring up Drag Race because in a few of their more recent seasons, Rupaul has done this thing with the final four contestants. She (Rupaul is in drag for the runway portion of the show in case you don't know already) takes out a photo of each contestant as a child and asks them to speak to their younger self. It's kind of like an “if I knew then what I know now” thing, and I always found it to be such a real moment, filled with raw emotion. I would probably even go so far as to say it was my favorite part of each of those seasons.

Can you imagine having the ability to go back in time and speak to yourself at a younger age? I most certainly have. It’s no secret that I didn’t have the best of experiences growing up, so being given some words of encouragement or knowing that life would not always be like it was back then could have possibly made such a difference at that time.

After giving it much thought, I decided to pull out an old photo (see above) and write to that once angry and defensive kid growing up in Deal, New Jersey, who was being told that everything about him was wrong. And although he will never see or hear these words, I would like to share them with you, because this has been a very cathartic experience for who that boy became all these years later.

Hey there Jack,

Well, what can I say? Believe it or not, you made it past 30, which now that we’ve been there, really isn’t old. You also still have all your teeth (knock on wood), a fair amount of hair on your head and managed to stay somewhat thin. And as important as you think those things are, I’m sure there’s so many other things you would rather hear right now.

I know that, as we speak, you are dealing with a lot and pretty much hate life. After all, I was sitting right where you are once upon a time. And as hard as it probably is to believe, I’m here to tell you that despite what others say and do, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

The reality is you live in a time and a place where who you are is seen as unacceptable. I wish I can tell you that you’ve endured the brunt of it already, but you still have a while to go. And you will have to go through it to come out the other end. But you will get through it. I promise!

Eventually you will go out into the world and experience a whole new side to life. You will not only come to accept yourself, but you will be seen for the amazing human being you are and all the things you have to offer. And people will love you as you, Gay and all, unconditionally.

Unfortunately, the people you are surrounded with now won’t necessarily be there as time goes on. Not for a lack of love or trying. But you will learn one day that some loves come at much too high a cost (you will get the reference one day), and your happiness is not worth the sacrifice in order to receive other’s love and approval.

It will be a hard lesson to learn, and believe me, it will hurt. But when that day comes, learn to forgive those people. Believe it or not, they did the best they could. And being a grudge holder makes you fat (not really, but another reference you will get one day).

Before I go, let me leave you with this final thought: life is meant to be enjoyed. By the time you reach our age, so much will have happened to us. Both good and bad. Never regret a single moment of it.

After all, if you didn’t go through what you did, I wouldn’t be here to tell the tale.

Sebastian